Hasty ReCreation

Rise and shine in 41 Singapore Aloha Resort. Wake up to the natural morning call of beautiful sunshine that warms your sleepy face. Breakfast is served anytime from 545 in the morning to 1130. A traditional combination of 2 soft boiled eggs, bread and milo is a healthy start for a relaxing day. In fact, the entire week has been very relaxing.(The simple fact that I am retyping this entire entry after the previous computer hand on me). Hours after hours of sleeping marathon have got me almost fully recovered. The Morning was a good different from what I woke up to yesterday. 8 hours of sleep from 4am to noon yesterday saw me waking up with 2 choked nostrils. One with thick unforgiving mucus, the other with insoluble fibrin meshworks. The major nosebleed I had on early wednesday morning(3 am) was a bad addition to the fever that I was only beginning to recover from. But now, I am all better. Lets recap the week si far in a chronological order.

Monday morning didn't start off all that well. Monday blues was no excuses for my man who were 20 minutes late falling in for breakfast. And hence, 5BX for them as punishment. It then dawned on me that it has been a very long time since I last punished the platoon as a whole. After a good tongue leashing, I decided to let matters rest. For good reasons. Follow up talks with them revealed the truth behind why they never ever fall in on time for breakfast these days as compared to their impecable behaviour when I first came. The commanders themselves are never early and can never be bothered. No reference of name was needed for me to know who they were talking about. Such double standards among commanders-Ill standards, are often the root of much trouble from the man in days to come.

The afternoon was an assortment of setting up butt, sun-tanning, pushing rations to sentries, vehicle navex and aboce all, the main item of the day-Delta Live Firing. Had I not went to explore TVMA alone under the pretext of pushing ration, the day would have been a meaningless waste of time. 3 weeks of preparations, tens of thousands of tax payer's money on ammunition, burnt weekends, all came down to a 5 minutes demostration of armour fighting capabilities. All because, among the bunch of one bar cadets still wearing their lanyards, there might be a future CAO. My night didn't end with all the sending of arms because in all my giddiness of the day(still having the fever) I left one spare barrel locked up in the vehicle in Gedong. Oops. I must admit this is the worst mistake I ever commit 1 year and 3 months into NS. And when Noel questioned me for a reason. I told him the only reason that I knew. I was blur. And he didn't accept it. Sounds like its time to put up a fight but in the end I didn't say much straight in his face. Just told him that 'blur' is the only valid reason. Or would he want me to cook up some grand mother excuse so that he can finally say - 'eh, this is no excuse'. I guess I left him with nothing much to say. Of course my reason is stupid, its a stupid mistake. I was almost about to tell him that 1.I admit my mistake 2. I will rectify it 3. I don't believe in giving excuses. 4.I don't see a need to please his ears. Sometimes I wonder whats on his mind. Simply uneducated and not man enough to own up to stupid mistakes?Haha. Felt really good to attitude some one 2 ranks up. But seriously such things should never be done in front of the man. Its a failure to lead by example. I then went back to gedong to claim my barrel. My PS dear Sgt ONG called me at least 5 times in the short hald and hour. Made me wonder why on earth everyone is so gan jiong when its just a small problem that can definitely be rectify. Rectification being the margin between small problem and major punishment.
With that lesson learnt, tuesdays began. My first ever tact-team mission. Started off fun-everything does. But when it boils down to me slapping mosquitoes when doing vehicle hide, my mp3 player was the only thing that kept me awake. Haha. I have officially made my MP3 player an outfield SOP. We fought from SOA to peggy, dismounted to capture grace1, punched through BMR when my dear PC holland. It was a scene of behold. 5 vehicles cluster fucking along a 200 metres road. For the uninitiated, 5 cars spread out along a 100 metres road is considered safe travelling but in an armour context, we would have been sitting ducks waiting to get struck by artillery. It was a chaotic situation. We were supposed to fight through Helen. However, after some thought, I concluded that he wasn't actually Hollaneded. He wanted to take an alternative route where there is no enemy patrol. Smart. But when OC finally allowed him to carry on with the route, I don't know why he wanted to reverse and persist through Helen ??? We then reached mathilda where he dismounted the platoon to secure a far fire base onto cathy. Took quite long for him to navigate there. I won't blame him for his slow navigation because he has never been there before and afterall, every training is a learning opportunity. What I didn't understand is that, Why on earth he never went to recee the place before. If I could do it, shouldn't he be able to do that too. I openly admit that I could have completed the mission yesterday without a map because I already know the terrain well after recee-ing on foot during DLF.heehee. A rad proud here right? I sometimes wished I could be an armour officer. Its really fun when you know the place well and can get your man to fight through aggresively. Too bad I am only a VC on the Alpha vehicle doing nothing but slapping mosquitoes most of the time. The only fun part of the day was when we went to recee an alternative route to our delay position. Had me going all the way south, covering treacherous terrain which I have never seen before. Cool. But one of my man got slapped in the face by the MG but. Leaves me with much guilt. The night mission was even worse because my NVD spoilt just when the battle was heating up. I was officially made a spectator by my OC and only watch my PC samura the assault onto sharon 1 a few times. Boring. Ate nightsnack instead while hiding somewhere far behind the forces. Even my PS couldn't be bothered by then because my PC was fighting the mission as if he was doing an open book TYS examination. Went back to camp to clean arms. When its finally time to sleep, its almost 4am and my nose started to bleed-profusely. Wonder why.

With that, Wednesday began at noon when I finally wake up for lunch. Watched Wu Jian Dao, slacked, ate pizza and went back to sleep again. When I finally decided to go home to bathe under the hot shower. I was feeling dry inside and sticky all over. Had dinner at home. There was absolutely no peace. NO PEACE. My mother as usual simply likes to shout at my sister for no fucking reason. And she simply likes to do sutpid things like hinting for mosquitoes in my room when I am in the middle of a movie. And she doesn't allow me to open te window because she claims mosquitoes why fly in. What the fuck!!??? Might as well telt my room like how she telt my F1 model. I really wonder if stay at home too much have left her with a distorted mind.Gosh.

So much so for a week. Its almost lunch time now and I am still at 41 resort. Gonna go to gedong later to low load vehicle and maybe spy on the radio net for today's mission.

Sunday blues

I woke up with a bad headache, almost reluctant. Tossed around in bed wondering why on earth I am having this sick feeling. Sums up to a rather bad start for a suppossedly relaxing day. One of my auntie's voice caught my attention. Visits on sunday mornings are usually heart warming. This one is no exception. The little kid I talked about the day before had came as well. My bedroom door opened slightly and in came a peeping little head. A wide smile across his face which seemed like good morning in the kids' world really made things much better. I struggled out of bed only to realise my entire body's was aching badly, especially my legs. Leaving nothing much to say about my match fitness these days.Its simply bad.
I endured through the rest of the morning and early afternoon hoping that carrying on with normal activities will have me feeling better eventually. Nah. I felt worse as the day went by. My persistence didn't do me much good and so i went to bed. Hear I am eventually, feeling slightly better. Hope I can be fine tomorrow. Guess its now time for a hot shower better do more good than evil.

Smilecence

Today it rained(as in it really rained), bringing back old memories of a carefree childhood. I was at Mr Wong's house when a shower came and brought refreshing life to the woods that have been drying up for some time. It kinda held us back with our plans so we ended up watching 'Love me if you dare'. I have been thinking of buying the vcd and so it felt great I get to watch it today. The movie bought me a passage to a decade ago.When I was a child.
It was a world of no worries. One of innocent laughters, joyful smiles and imagination. A world of make believe. I went to my grandfather's house later in the evening, amiably welcomed by a little kid we call 'en en'. We share no relation by blood but one of my autie has been babysitting him for years and so he kinda developed a special kind of bond with us. In his eyes, everything seems simple. There is a time to eat, when adults will happily feed him with a smile. So long as he behaves himself, meal time is a bonding session. There is excitement in the most mundane of stuffs. Screams of joy over a flying train, endless giggles to go with an innocent prank. He hops around and runs all over the living room, thrilled by what only his imaginative eyes could conceive. In his world, he is a hero out of animations. A soldier like his father. A little boy who would fly through the clouds and sparrow into fantasy. He enjoys what he does because he only does what is fun or interesting. What people around him says, he could comprehend little. He smiles vibrantly at anything people would say of him, of his mischieve. Happiness is the only thing that rules his day.
I was once like him. Each and everyone of us were once like him. Untouched and pure. We were not born here where we are now. Rather, its a land of fairy tales where we share our beginning. We were born to celebrate life with a milky white soul.
Yet, the realities of life. Yes, realities: The pseudo-standards of life .Unquestioned comformities. Imposed beliefs. Code of conduct and so many many more. They bring us out from out fairy tale land into where we 'belong'-civilised society. Where there is a standard path our life should follow between our moment of birth and hour of death. Beyond which we fail to see social acceptance. Beyond which we become not individuals but non-comformist. Beyond which we begin to see ourselves fraying away from the rest. The rest of society where our friends families and dear ones are. At the end, we walk alone. Separated from the unforgiving harshness of realities. A social reject. Unable to return to our fairy tale because of what we have seen in the real world. Ironically disillusioned? Or simply too weak to let go of the past?

~Life is a walking shadow.~

Good Friday

...ain't that good afterall. Wake up to find my mother sleeping on my bed. I slept on my sofa the night before cos my younger sister was fast asleep and so I didn't want to wake her up. I remember my mother talking alot in my room last night despite my constant reminder that she is disturbing the little one. What really amaze me was the fact that she actually shifted my sis back to her room. And for no fucking reason sleep on my bed. SMLJ.
I came home after a walk and instead of happily getting into my room, I came face to face with some great agony. My room was in a temporary mess cos she shifted ever F thing from my display and was cleaning the stuff. Cleaning:dismantling my models and wiping with a wet cloth. What the!!?? Ever seen a mclaren on display that is covered in telt!? Now I have got parts missing from each and everyone of my gundam model and carl vison cruiser. Worst part is she f***ing messed around with my bayonet. I am seriously at a lost of words.What the!!!!!

Time of the week.

Its the time of the week again. Getting home from camp with nothing but boredom to share. And when I question myself what I look forward to, its the training in the upcoming week that keeps me excited. For most, its always the weekends thats interesting; in my case the activities back in camp always seem to keep the engine in me running.
I was really quite tired today and so decided to give Ippt yr2 a skip. My day felt really short. Changed a grease nipple, checked on my vehicle, went for lunch, Ippt and then it was book out for me. While my should be looking forward to a good frieday long weekend, the emptiness of the next 3 days seem to make me feel a little off. Thats really negative thinking but thats as true as it gets. Went for a good dinner alone and then came home for some ghost recon2 but then, haiz, gaming can be quite irritating when you keep getting stuck at a particular level. And then to my hope for the weekend. Hope because by now, we should all know that while its up to us to make things happen, many a times we can only do so much. My weekend would be great if I get to do some extreme sports. Say ...rock climb. The weather these days is just perfect for sun tanning.I wanna go outdoor. Ironically this is what I have in mind for tonight: Play game, blog, watch vcd. Gosh. Its always evening that sinks me into this half dead meaningless mood.
One thing that I am really looking forward to is actually letters from the various scholarship board. I just can't wait. And when its a case of only shortlisted applicants will be informed, you really want to know when you will get the letters.
Not quite inspired to blog today cos my week was short and lacking in activities. I think the next few days should see more text in this little blog of mine. Wonder which of the many cvd should i watch.

Sorry to my blog

My apologies for my bad attitude towards my blog on 21st March 2005.

Coldplay's music play in a soothing tune in the background. Myself and Pang walk down along and endless track. Kicking stones. Looking around. Relaxing. Its one of those rare experience you get. Trekking with an mp3 player humming away. The sun was great. Bright and warm, not hot. An out of the norm chill out experience.

Along one of the main axis, at the edge of the vegetation a bike parks lonely with some palm fruit on its back. Just next to it is a small opening, indicative of a small track that bashes deep within. It is almost apparent that there is someone inside. We thought we should check it out.
Its really nice to have music when you are bashing. It didn't go as deep in as we expected but what we saw was really unexpected. An old man squats beside what seems to be a trap, made out of simpe wooden planks nailed together. He squats there and look at us with deep black eyes, saying nothing till we take the initiative to speak up. I can't help but took notice of his attire. It seems that the shirt he is wearing has been his combat outfit since his youthful days. There were holes all across, his pants as well and I wonder what this old man has gone through. What perils he must have experience in his 30 years of catching wild boars. Pang can hardly speak mandarin, so it kinda makes alot of sense he had no freaking idea what that old man was saying so I became a translator. The tale he told was simple, yet heart warming.

The remainder of my monday went by fast. I came home feeling rather pathetic though. The lonely, jaded and uninterested feeling of depression has been with me for days. Somehow when you feel screwed up inside, you tend to screw things up in reality as well. This is what happened.
I went online to find people to talk to. And there she was but rain seems busy so I didn't bother her. It was after sometime that she started talking. And I guess the problem of tension between us arise out of not misunderstandings. But rather, I am simply too frank and open with my emotions. Imagine telling someone straight out that you think you 2 don't have much to talk about recently. And then saying you are not in the mood to talk. Well, its possible for people to accept this and I guess thats the case. But somehow, I just felt bad. Afterall its never nice blowing off anybody in this manner. And so out of guilt I thought I should talk to her and so i triend. But then, she wanted to go off and study already. Its really quite a no issue thing. Nothing to worry about I trust but, I just felt like crap because it all felt so messed up. Thats even more so on top of the shit feeling I already had.Good thing is that its over now.

I went around bugis junction alone for like 3 hours. Wah i wionder why I can do 8hrs non stop road march, but 3 hrs shopping can kill me. ANyway my dad is back with tequila for me. haha. And I am really feeling much better today. yeah. Its time to book in. Well. I hope someone enjoy venice cos its really a nice place. And, it ain't really that good being frank all the time too. Just make sure people around you are happy. Thats actually more important than being frank.I guess.

Blues

Evening. A time of rest and relaxation. When work stops.When its time to go for dinner. When tired guys go to bed. Sunday evening. A moment special. When lovers say goodbye. When sons have their dinner at home. When newbies carrying their fieldpack in smart 4 to camp.
I spent my sunday afternoon setting up the butt area for today's delta live firing vetting. Earned myself half a day off.Spent the evening in seclusion, with nothing to do and no one around.With negative thoughts going all around in my mind. Thoughts I so wish to eradicate. Whats wrong with me? Too bored, too lonely? I don't know. A sudden loss of interest in everything around me probably due to a deep longing for something. All of which I have no idea. I have no idea about myself.
Haiz. SO much I want to talk about. So much I want to share about my experience today. So much I want to write and express here. But I am just just so screwed inside I can't get a grip of myself.And I have got an interview tomorrow. Where on earth is the fucking confidence gonna be if I am still like this tomorrow.
And i just don't know why I have got nothign to say to rain anymore. Still I yearn to see her online but everytime I see her I just don't know what to say. And I can't imagine myself telling her such a thing. Its crap to hear such a thing but I just don't know what the fuck is happening. AND i don't want to hurt anybody.Free me!!!!!

I am back...

A minute has passed since I last posted. Reason. I really feel fucked up. I wonder if you heard the final soundtrack of the movie Alfie. Where he walks down by the river and the music plays in reflection of his desperate cry and screwed up situation. Right now I can feel the same music going on. And I have no idea whats wrong. The way I am talking and acting is simply not me. Its very much an unintentional and uncontrollable act for some unknown reasons. I can't explain my feelings now cos I just feel screwed.What on earth is wrong!!!!!! I went to sleep with the same kind of feeling the night before. The last thing I remember before I sleep was me telling wong that my soul stinks. WTF. haiz!!!!!!!!!

Saturday night fever

I just realised its saturday night and that its SOP to be blogging everytime I am at home. SO for tonight, this is all I have to say. I feel fucked up. Life sucks like a vacuum cleaner. Haiz...............doing things i don't feel comfortable with.

Solaris

There is a tribal suspense in the music. A build up. The air is stale and warm from the afternoon sun. A sandy cocktail of tension and seriousness. A rover cut across my view kicking up a thick brown wall of dust. Then...in a synchrotone of gunfire and grand militaristic music, the SM-1 fired off. Flowing that, the bushmaster guns fired off in rapid burst while the AGLs grenade the distant targets.In the background, the coAXs and HMG formed a steady tat-a-tat. Such is a beautiful masterpiece. A symphony of might and firepower.
An entire afternoon dedicated to preparing for Delta Wing OCS visit. Young recruits with their one white bar wearing their lanyard. A bunch or A-Level scholars deemed as the so called high-flyers. Well I do know of some who eventually become good officers but the impression left is still that of stuck up 1 bar generals who think that they are one notch above everyone else. I must confess at this juncture that I still do respect officers for good cause and I have nothing against them.What puzzles me is the purpose behind it. 3 days squeezed out from the already pack schedule. Combat team training pushed back...to prepare for a performance....for cadets. Good job. Loads of all kind of ammunitions seldom used are now churned out for a display for fire power demostration. For the uninitiated, you never ever fire the AGL nor SM-1 main gun for training. Interesting.
For me, the week has been rather broken up mainly because of the off I took on tuesdays. All in all it a very slack week. Delta is the in word now. Cool isn't it. Looking back, I see an assortment of memorable events. The star gazing...the sun-tanning....the foot navex....the clubbing. Beauty is what you get out of enjoying every moment in life.
I remember that on monday night, I was slacking on top of my stead waiting for handover. Somehow i just happen to notice that the night was an unfamiliar black. The night sky was painted with un-numbered sparks. And everyone shines. To my own amazement, yup a sentimental side of me emerged and I was happily gazing at the universe. For the same reason I guess, I couldn't help but wanted to tell rain about how nice it was. But then it seemed kinda inappropriate due to the time-zones and well, I thought I shouldn't disturb her studying. Still, I was excited and I wanted to share this excitement. Then I thought of siow ween whom I thought would be much in tune with this kind of fantasy-dreamlike starry atmosphere. The fact that I have read more than 2 other blogs mention about star gazing wasn't something unexpected. The past weeks have seen clear bright sunny days. And thus the undisturbed night sky.
A number of people noticed that I rather sit in a unsheltered area or simply lie on the BX while the sun glares from above. My face is a little red after the few days of tanning. And I do love the tan colour that is beginning to show.Plus the haircut I got on WED. I am really quiet satisfied with my looks now. HAHA. Neh to those who would laugh at my egoistic and self-catered flattery.Eh. Confidence cannot be spelt. Its sensed. And yep. A number of people have sensed this surge of confidence in my over te past few days.Yeah. My altar-EGO is building again. What I am about to mention is illegal in military context. Probably unacceptable by my parents. A great waste of money. Quite embarrasing but still.........its all about living for the moment.
Thursday night.We wanted to go to embargo. Its closed down. Went to zouk next. The crowd didn't suit us. Went to ChinaBlack.Its closed as well. And so on to rouge which was thankfully open. The music was inviting. Pang said its good. But when we reach there, the crowd was a mere 20 30 people. mostly in large groups. The bottomline, there was no one eye-worthy. A bunch of girls who look like they were sec 2 were dancing. Immediate comment from pang was that they are probably philipino maids. WHo knows? SO we went to drink instead and spent quite a heafty sum on it. even though it was one-for one. Drank like 2X burbon coke 1X gin lime 2 X tequila pop. Reason why we really drank so much is that it wasn't worth dancing. Well being honest, the lack of femanine presence on the dance floor was really quite discouraging. Whatever it is, its a thursday night and since we are already out of camp, might as well make it worse so we went to dance. Pang told me a caught quite some eyes cos I was really getting into the dance mood and so was kinda daring with the dance. Which probably made me stand out cos the crowd yesterday was really mood spoiling. They were just shaking around, rocking here and there. Well. Not quite the party mood it makes I would say. ANd i didn't realise that. So went pang told me, I looked around and saw how uninterested the crowd was with the music. Made me lose the dancing mood and so we went to drink more. Which was a bad move. Cos by then nick pang was getting DRUNK and the crowd was getting IN and HIGH. Caught eyes on some babes and made the move. But lets skip this part altogether. This does not a blog deem suitable. Well. Nick pang in all his 'Kelvin knows what' just won't heed my advice and insisted on graveyard. I told him I am not gonna drink but he still won't listen. Why get drunk when the purpose is to party. Gosh. And good move I made. That he being the 'better drinker' finish both glasses of graveyard himself with only the slightest assistance from yours truly. Better one be drunk then both. Guess what. As expected, he was dirt drunk and puke all over cineleisure, all the way on the ride back to camp, all over yew tee mrt, all the way back to kranji camp. Ok too much of an exageration here but...everytime I thought he is done with the puking, there is just more to come. And while he could happily sleep I had to stay awake so that we don't get robbed and there is someoen to keep track of the time. Well. In short. I didn't get to sleep but had to help that poor friend of mine. I too was in quite a bad state but not that bad at least. Wah, it was really quite a bad night. Touring all the clubs that we didn't get to enter was a bad start. The feeling of controlling your gut simply sucks and i swore i wanted to give up drinking all in all.So did that poor chap. ahah. Then when we finally got back to camp I slept for only 3 hours before the day started. While that Guy was still suffering from the lack of sleep plus sick feeling, I was all fine by the time I woke up. Hee. Maybe because of an unexpectecd good morning msg. Which was really sweet. ...kaoz a guy saying that....i really beginning to sound like a girl already.So sweet...ah crap... Back to my point. Amazingly, my desperate attempt to sleep in the afternoon failed. I jst couldn't sleep. Maybe because it was too hot. But still, I don't know why i ain't tired at all. Was a pure sun tanning afternoon for me.
I think I forgot to mention that I went to tour a large part of area D yesterday. Walking, running to the objectives to check them out. Its really quite a sensation to stand on Irene which overlooks a waterbody and a few other knolls. Wao. I felt really great then. It was windy and cooling despite the sun. Ought to go there again someday. Spent an hour walking around and getting familiar with the place so that I know the terrain. Yep. SImply walking with confidence knowing that I will get back to BMR. Agh.And i didn't mention that its a live firing area. All the guns I talked about earlier on were firing from BMR south-wards. ie towards my location. So...hmm...thrilling...but stupid and deserving of a few extras. haha.If any of them fire over the butt I think it would have well landed near me. Haha.ok. Keep quite please.
That sums up my week I would say. Everything I did just felt fun and refreshing. Even the getting drunk part was refreshing in a meaningful way. Its really kinda 'no-life' if you never get drunk before during your youth. Still, the idea of drunking sorrows is now totally gone from my head. The entire package of sick feeling doesn't help with anything except make you feel worse. What I am trying to say here is. Enjoy every single moment of life. Enjoy getting lost so that you can now challenge yourself to find your way back. Enjoy getting drunk so you know that it sucks. Enjoy the live-firing even if you think its a waste of time.Whats more important than being happy?

Internet explorer sucks

Hang on me after i happily typed for 5 mins. So for now, a summary.Boring day. Nothing worth mentioning except that i broke my personal best for soc got 855. Yeah. Ought to thanks chun giat for it. Proved that all the late night combat runs and soc training have not gone to waste. Took off and went for interview. Mundane interview. Not worth mentioning. But i want to get through to the 2nd round and hopefully get the scholarship. But even if don't get also must take part int he 1 day camp and o make new friends. Wah that is a very nice way of phrasing it. Came home to eat my hor fun and chiong alcohol. No more soc for me so i can lift my no alcohol ban which i never abide to anyway. haha.
Then it was raining. But then she was happily talking to mother sunshine sister rainbow and brother cloud. Haha. So i don't disturb lor. Yup. I think yerterday is much more worthy of mention because I went to SOA and slept in the BX for like 2 hours. They tried to ramp up and lock me inside but haha. stupid. Woke up to see that someone finally reply my sms after being busy studying for sometime. Yep and the fact that she is fine is a relief. No matter what i do I don't want anybody to be sad or troubled about anything anymore.
Oh and I got called my smu telling me that I gotta go for interview next week. All thanks to delta live firing I still cannot get a comfirmation till now. But SMU sounds like a really good place. Heh Heh. Go ask janice for lunch.Haiz. A short and unstructure flow of thoughts written down in whats termed as a blog. haiz. at home also don't know what to do. Nothing much to do also. Sian. Think I go play game or watch a movie at home before I book in.

I wish...

...that it were raining. So i can talk to you. To know that you are ok that you are fine. IN my self-fishness, I want to assure myself that I have not done you any harm so that I can be free of guilt. The same self-fishness makes me want to call you back. Because you suddenly seem so distant away. But I shut myself up. Why? Because I do not have the right to do so. Because I was the one who kept on running away from the rain. I ran without concern for how you felt. Now that you are so far away, I want you back. You are lost and don't know what to say. I on the other hand know full well that I am in no position to say anything. That its best I shut up and stop making a fool of myself. I always tell you not to feel guilty for nothing. And now, I guess i am suffering from the same mistake. It feels so strange not to hear from you. The way you once and only once replied. You sounded so normal I didn't know if you were fine. And each time this happens I tell myself that with time, it will be ok and we will be back as before. But in the back of my mind, I know that if i carry on with such an attitude, someday......Please please remember that silence only keeps people in the same spot. Keeps one guessing and thinking of the worst. And that there is nothing communication cannot solve. But I guess wong is correct. Its not that you do not want to say anything. But that you do not know what to say. I don't believe that I have to resort to talking to you through this pathetic little blog entries. But if you feel better this way, I will just say a simple Okay.
Gosh. How pathetic to have to say all this through my blogs. Its so embarassing.

Sunday Morning

Woke up to a beautiful sunday morning. The air-con was comfortable but it added a cold stillness to my room. Somehow i wanted to see what its like out there so i off my air-con and slide open the window. There is this tree right outside. I never paid much attention to it. Somehow its existence was never in my mind. Its leaves were a bright orange, a warming glow from the morning sun. I lie in bed, thinking if its time for me to rise. Hoping that it is raining First thing i did, turned on my comp and was reminded of the fact that I have got a PSC application to finish by today. Nothing online. No mail meaning no essay. So i went to wash up and came back feeling afresh. Everytime I look at the mirror on weekends, I feel proud. I feel like a soldier at home. Such is a feeling of belonging, warmth and happiness. :) And then there is the spoiler...all the work that I need to do for my applications. Well, I have got an interview with EDB this coming tuesdays. Short notice but still its something worth being happy for. yeah. I guess i need to catch up on some good english conversation this 2 days. OUght to minus all the maciam, nnb and hokkiens from my language if not I will be a gonner. Schedule is getting tighter. Trainings to handle in camp. Carrer planning at home. Still all this is worth it.

I thought of this during one of my outfields last week. In no time I will be going to wallaby. A training ground of 100% accident rate. Yes this is true. No unit that ever went there have manage to avoid accidents. Then there is also the high fatality. Well. I pledge that before I leave for wallaby in Nov, I will

show my sisters more love.
be nice to my parents
thank all my friends
do all that i ever wished to
be happy and live a life of no regrets.

But still. I will come back to ORD and go to University.

Wonder whats up for me today. Guess I will be going out. Been stuck at home last weekend its time to go out for some great fun but. haiz. singapore. ok. Its time to go for lunch.
good day.

Got back from lunch jest to realise that I am half screwed because my supporting documents probably cannot reach PSC by tomorrow. Shout at my mother cos she talk simply too much cock. Haiz. But then again. I don't know why i am all so up tight. Stress? Maybe. Ought to manage it. Simply too bored I guess. Social circle too small. The only people you are close to during NS are your good friends and your army friends. but because you see them every single day. You don't wanna go out with them. That leaves you with your good friends. But then again. going out with the same people every week can be quite sian also. Haiz. What should I do today?
Sigh.An easy answer to that will come from knowing what I wish I can be doing right now. But i get only one answer to that. I don''t know.

:)

Like demon knights we crept towards the edge. Disappearing into the suspension of dust and milky black darkness. First you see the outline, then all that is obvious is a pair of deep red eyes. And then slowly, slowly, it all fades into the cover of the night. You hear nothing, but a low hellish murmur.

All stations 32 this is 32 straight ahead 800, 3 APC on Jane half-right 300 Section troops entreched on INGA. Own sector responsibility, Bravo left APC, Alpha right APC, All MGs on INGA.The rest for local protection dismount. Fire upon my first shot out. Prepare to take up firing position, move now out.

A single swish breaks the ominous silence of the night. Then another one. The handheld rocket illums burst with a pop and descends like a falling star, lighting up the terrain for miles.And then.

Pa pa pa pa. The deafening firing of the 25mm bushmaster gun sends your ear ringing. Like pulses of white laser, the tracer rounds zap through the air and slams onto Jane almost a mile ahead. Then there is the red ones from the .50 HMG of the Alpha. All hell unleashes on the north-eastern slope of Jane. On Inga, ball and tracer rounds from the MGs rain down on the now pathetic open patch, deflecting into the sky like fireworks. In slighly less than a minute, the firing ceases. Just when you thought all has ended, 4 fireballs catapults from the Alpha vehicle. 50 metres ahead, a fire starts on the dry grassy slope of Kim. A curtain of thick white smoke forms from the 4 smoke canisters, reflecting the deep orange flames. A platoon rushes forward towards the vehicles and mounts the black stallions. In no time, they are gone....Headed for Jane.

On the southern slope of Jane, 14 man hide in the trenches. Their face muddy, black and green. Sweat soaks them as their anxious heart pounds. They are now all alone. Who knows whats next. They can sense something coming.They can hear it. A distant murmur they cannot distinguish from the shellshock that just struck them.Whats obvious to them is their heartbeat.
Without notice and the the greatest awe of all of them, 2 BXs ram through the vegetation ahead of them. They couldn't even see it clearly. Not because they are all cloaked in darkness, but because the CoAxs are slamming into them, pinning them in down in their trenches crying for help.A third stallion has now formed up behind. The platoon dismounts in the blink of an eye, faster then the soldiers can now cork their weapons in their trenches.

Platoon, fire movement forward.... BC shouts.

Ok well. It can sound all cool described in text but the truth is far from this suppossed successful assault. All thanks to IAs, radio problems. OC scolding the shit out of bravo. Ha.In the end, we spend hours and hours waiting. Thats was the platoon live firing and went through yesterday. Resulted in me having no sleep for the whole of last night cos there is simply so much after action work to do. And I only slept for 2 hours. Well. Considering that the night before. Thats thurs night, I only had 4 hours of sleep after a few bottles of barcardi, vodka, long island and some great pizzas.

Well, it was a great week. Had me smiling :) everyday. With everything normal. Or suppossed normal. Cos a good actor will still know that he is acting. Bai tian suo wan an. Hei ye suo zao an. Haha.And someone was probably still lost as to what to do and so kept a distance away. But still thats nothing compared to me always on the run. Rubbish la.Haiz. And then there is this one msg saying hey...dun...me ma. Maybe I am too stupid to know what that means at all. Maybe simply forgetful? or maybe just plain cock to be overly sensitive about things be its ok. Kai xing jiu hao.

I came home to do my scholarship applications, also hoping to see an email but then there was none. Which is a good thing. Means she ting hua never go and think much about it. At this rate, things will be as b4 in no time.

~Separation pulls people closer together~

......

I guess i set off wrongly. Because I set off to know her as a person. I didn't set off to take the breath out of her. Sank too much into friendship. Thinking that like me, she will see one day that romance can evolve out of friendship. Yet who am I to ask that of her? I know its not wrong for me to have done so. Just that, things doesn't work this way. Girls are girls afterall. I must have been dreaming to think that she is an idealist. How I wish i can just press a reset button and have another short at it from the start. To start afresh. I think this is one times good example of how cuo guo le yong yuan bu ke neng zai hui tou. But still I am glad I brought happiness to her life and was there for her. Maybe I should buy what I always say. Its the same. So what am I still looking for. Romance and friendship, two sides of th same coin. Standing face to face, we hold the coin between us, looking at different sides of it. Mei you se me hao ke si de. How does she expect me to just let it go when she mean so much to me?Aiya. Fuck it and just continue to be happy.Afterall, its all that matters. There is no such thing as getting over until someone else crosses your life. We can both go back and try again but I guess she will rather dwell in the beauty of the present. You really want me to get over with?

Book in

Please please let me book in and confine me. Make me the guard 2 for next weekend and give me tons of work. Haiz. Because I know it washes everything away. When I am back in there with that green Uniform on me, I think no more than what I am doing. I was once a firm believer in getting things sorted out rather than running away. Now i am that little boy in his slippers running down the empty streets all drenched in the rain. The boy who stole the apple. The boy who gave in to his desires with an irrational mind. Piece of crap.

I knew this will happen some day. Its just a matter of time I let loose my feelings. But I wished it never happened. That it never existed. Why can't things be the way it was. Dwell in the static past. Time and again I made promises saying I won't ever I won't ever but every single time I break them. Is it because I made the promises knowing its something i won't be able to keep? Because my will isn't strong enough to hold against my emotions. And now I add on to her problem, when I said I won't ever be.Fuck! excuse the language.

And now I wonder. If this series of event is predestined. And that whatever happened was meant to happen. Whatever will happen will happen no matter how hard I tried. And i did try. I tried to prevent it. By holding back. And I know its all too late and useless to say all this now. What I said last night will have its consequences. And I know how she will feel to hear me say those words. But what can I do. I am but a human manipulated by my emotions. And I know that I will run away in cowardice once again. And that it will hurt her again. This world is seriously full of shit.What can I do what can I do. I wish I get shot during platoon live firing sia. So I can have a hole big enough for me to hide. I am seriously defenseless and helpless and pathetic sia. And now I am thinking of dying. What the!!! Whats wrong with me. I am just not the Kelvin i recognise.Wake up!!!! stop living in the beauty of this dream.
kaoz. I think I just made her feel sad again.

Arg damn it sia. I don't feel like writing or saying anything anymore.

We both can't help

je veux lui dire à quel point je jaloux suisque je suis tombé triste et pathétiquecela là qu'ils apprécient tandis que je suis ici sans elleque je me souhaite était celui là à la placemais je ne peux pas lui dire toute ces dernierscos ceci la préoccuperale créancier de cos i veulent jamais être son problème detypepourquoi est il que je l'aimequelqu'un qui est une impossibilité a basé sur descirconstances

comment peut I être jaloux à ce sujetje suis déjà béni pour l'avoir dans ma viecomment ose j'exigez tels d'elleje suis en aucune position à faire ainsi, pour être jaloux

Saturday in Red and Orange

I should be writing my essay for PSC right now, but well...it takes a little motivation to get myself moving. Somehow army drains away the intellectual drive in you, agree? Woke up this morning feeling fresh though I slept at like 3 last night.Was talking with janice, waiting for her to 'knock off' from work before I head for bed. Sometimes I wish i am as hardworking as her, then I will have no worries with the scholarship essays. Haiz, that girl. Talking with her seems more natural these days. Conversations aren't as leng dan as before. And I must say that is a relief since my female social circle has really shrunk quite alot. Yep, I know I have myself to blame because I sometimes tend to dao people. Maybe I need to wake up my idea and don't hiam on my female friends. There is really only 2 ladies in this world I can't handle. Janice with her amazing attitude; my mum and her...gosh I don't know how to put this down in words. Haha.

And then it started raining. Mr wong immediately said in msn. I think you no need to sleep liao. Which seems rather true. Its strange. For the past few days, half of me was trying to adopt the don't bother about her attitude. The other half simply enjoy missing her. I don't really understand but as I told wong. Stop thinking so much and be appreciative of what we have now. If not, of what we already had. And because I know she will most probably read this, I shan't talk more about this. Haiz, remember what she said, remember how she felt. Don't want her stressing and thinking about whats up my mind. Part of wanting her to be happy involves me being happy. Kao my english really sucks I really can't phrase this kind of ideas without equations.Grrgg...

A close observe will realise I no longer (ok well i just did so..seldom) write about me and her. Plus I don't talk about me and her unless really necessary. Aiya, cock I think this is one times big dramatic irony. Whatever.

~Deep down inside, I am trying to deny an innate feeling~

Eh dear girl. Something for you. I think you know what to do. Just that you are not too sure of whether its appropriate. I will second whatever decision you make ok. Maybe I am not too involved in the situation therfore I am saying this but I guess it isn't really a big issue. So there is no point worrying or being sad about it. Please don't blame yourself for everything. You want to touch people's life and bring happiness. Yes of course you can but it doesn't always work your way. So long as you try to make people happy, I think you have done your part. Whether the person finds happiness eventually is up to him or her.

I am talking to you right now. The way you talk.haha its really kinda innocently ke ai. haiz.

ar ba du ar ma

End of a happening week. Just finished writing an essay for application. Barely 300 words and I almost died. Worse of all, I already had an essay plan and it still took more than an hour. Why is it so easy to blog but so hard to write essay?

Earlier on, I was at BK eating my favourite meal. Then there was this little boy probably a year old, maybe less right beside me. Haha so cute. I love kids. Then he was looking at me. Naturally I started playing with him also. He tried to grab my onion rings. Next thing his father stop him. But of course, it was almost natural that i offer one to him. His eyes stared at the onion ring as if he never saw it before, as if it was a gift. Haha. Don't know what that boy thinking also. He nimbled on the thing, then grabbed it from my fingers. wah, wah wah. I want to be a father!!! See the way he talk in the gibberish ar ba du ar ma. Bao my sun play with him watch him chu stunt and shua tiao pi. Too sad, I am not even married nor attached. Worst part of it all is that I am finacially incapable of supporting a family!!!! arrggg...ok thats a great motivation to work through the next five or six years. truly adds meaning to life.

Its almost amazing how I am on top of my Black Horse with camo on at one moment and the next, I am playing with a little boy in BK.

Remember Ex gypsy, Jukebox and rolling thunder? Yeah, I did all 3 on sunday night. Book in in the afternoon, draw arms then went to gedong to prep vehicle. Then bought some goodies for the night. We went on a rover outm to Kim at around 11. Thom couldn't remember the way. Good grief in all father lim's wisdom i had a map with me and based on pure memory or the objectives and features i found the way to KIM 1. Got thom off. Me a Pand night navi back to gedong. Commencing EX gypsy. Cool part is that we got mini n sea with us haha. bad part is that now i gotta write statement for the damn equipment cos the rubber tore slightly.

We tried getting through 4 to 5 gates. Couldn't. Thing is I recee the place months back so i know there is an infiltration point. Same thing. There are guards prowling the area with live ammo so if we kanna caught. Eh. thats it i guess. I won't be blogging now. We broke through, went to some prowling checkpoints, fooled around and made sure the guards sign extra the next morning. haha. then E and E back to our admin area when ice cold bacardi breezers were waiting for us. Wah. Its is truly those kind of once in a life time experience. Its like playing splinter cell in real life.shiok sia. can't really describe the excitement through words.

Slept for a few hours then went for AI section live firing. Its one of my most enjoyable armour battle course experience. Felt like ops, chiong and bash through small roads Superman superman then see my section dismount clear forward, some more it was drizzling. should have flimed all of it down, its really very cool. The night was even better, we went faster and there was handheld illum to light up the night sky.Too too bad i didm't have 0.5 ammo to fire if not i think i sure over the moon.

Washed vehicle throughout the night after live firing, wah super tired cold and hungry. But no choice. after the fun there is always shit to do and I don't really mind. Wednesday was a slack day though, I sia lan noel and fong sheng. ahah. went nights off again. again because tuesday night the rest book out while me and pang slept from 7 to 7. came back from nights off, we decided to train for atec by not sleeping so we played ghost recon 2 in the men's rest room. wah. Army life as a spec is really lik going to chalet to play.

Last night they just went to chiong at double O. Heard nick pang was drunk shit. haha. geuss what, OC was the conducting for the night ops ie clubbing. They too hiong already.

Suddenly, I don't feel like blogging already. bye bye.